The Midnight News 8.01.01

Posted By Hyatte on 08.01.01

Numbers, Teasers, Another Wrestling Death, Foley, Ryder, The Flairs, What goes on outide Raw, The Iron Sheik, Lawler, Honky, and those damn dirty APES

I can always count on two things whenever I post my phone number...

A: Lots and LOTS of single rings just to see if this is really a phone number... then they hang up.

B: Lots of people asking "Chris?" when I pick up, THEN they hang up after I say "Yes?"

I saw Planet of the Apes.... here, let me ruin it for you:

Nahh... no spoilers... but I can see why a lot of people are a bit upset with the "twist" ending. I think I can explain it without giving any surprise away.

See.... Tim Burton and the movie studio knew that they had to something like the cool half buried Statue of Liberty ending of the original... but they didn't know HOW to top it logically with something that would really knock people's socks off.

So... they ended the movie officially, then they did this "other" ending, specifically just to get people talking... it was just a Hollywood swerve.... and something to entice Burton into directing, or at least overseeing a sequel where we get explanations.

I could explain the hows and the whys.... but I don't think THEY know how to explain everything. They just threw the surprise in to shake the audience up some. That's IT... to hell with explaining it... they'll save that for the sequel.

Oh and there WAS a plot to the movie... it was just a very simple one.

Serve up an Oscar to Tim Roth, please. Or at the very least, a Golden Globe for Paul Giamatti.

Oh, and this was mentioned somewhere, but it really holds true... I think the blonde human girl was taller than Mark Walberg, so they never put them in too many scenes together. It's quite funny to see, IF you choose to go check out the flick again.

That blonde girl... cute as all hell... but what a bullsh*t role... she had what... maybe 20 lines through the whole move? Not a shred of character.

Okay, let's rock.

WHO WATCHED THIS CRAP?

More than those who watched last week's Raw. The show drew a 5.7 rating. That's 5.2 in the first hour and 6.1 in the second. It didn't break into the 7 range until the last half hour, busting into the 7's for the overrun.

Gee, I wonder why?

Everyone had it.... but let's credit The Torch

ARE YOU GONNA WATCH THIS CRAP?

The Observer RACED the spoilers for Smackdown out for ya... I will RACE the non-spoilers out right here...

Eh, I never race to do anything... in all honesty.

-Tazz returns.

-A challenge is made.

-USA vs Canada

-Austin meets Shawn Stasiak backstage.

-Austin gets a load of Stacey Keibler's cookies

-The Rock meets Booker T for the first time.... it's a classic Rocky moment.

-Debra lashes out

-Booker defends his WWF title against the Undertaker

That's all I'll say. Except that they guy who mailed Meltzer the recap decided to fill each segment with some comments of his own. He came across as a non-fan... ragging on EVERYTHING. His name is Tom Martin. Do me a favor, e-mail this assh*le and tell him, "Hey F**knuts, if you're gonna send Meltzer the spoilers, do us a favor and stick to the facts.... NO ONE CARES THAT TOM MARTIN DOESN'T LIKE WHAT HE SEES!!!"

Ugh... these imbeciles.

FOLEY SPEAKS

The good folks at Slam Wrestling have a great article/interview with Mick Foley that I wanted to plug a bit. Here are some cuts...

-Right away, the writer talked about the overplugging of the Foley is Good book that Foley did on WWF programming and how certain Sheet writers and Net Goons went so far as to call Foley a parody of himself. Foley responded, "I've only talked about it for a couple of weeks. They're free to think what they want. I don't take myself nearly as seriously as some people take me. I think the time to shove the book down people's throats is over, but I think it was important because a lot of them really didn't know it was out there."

-On Vince Russo, Mick calls him a "nice guy" in the book. A nice guy who pushed Mick as hard as he could during his WWF run. But Foley was harder on Russo in WCW, giving him a pretty good trashing. Foley says, "It was definitely deserved. He deserves full criticism for his WCW faults. I think you have to look at Russo as a very, very talented writer who needed to be reigned in to be effective. I think it's safe to say that if Vince Russo stayed in the WWF he never would have won the WWF title. He just went a little nuts there."

-On whether Vince McMahon read the book, "Vince has not read it. He's finishing a book on Richard Nixon before he reads my book. One problem I never had was criticism about Vince; he allows me the freedom to criticize, and he laughs about it."

-The article also went into how co-operating with the Beyond the Mat program almost cost Foley his job with the WWF. Apparently, Vince was steamed that the film's producers wouldn't pay the WWF to promote the movie and he thought that the WWF was portrayed in a negative light. Foley downplays the controversy by saying, "I talk about my relationship with Vince being a rocky one at that time, but there was never a sense of teaching me a lesson or terminating me. If you look at it, that's when I was pushed the hardest actually. If you look at January/February of 2000 that was when I was pushed the hardest. So Vince, I'm not saying he didn't yell at me a couple of times, but I think he has a good knack for separating personal and business."

-On his future, Mick isn't ruling out a one time return to the ring, and there was a plan for it at Wrestlemania X 7, but he was badly out of shape and knew he couldn't shape up in time. He re-iterated that he would like to be involved with the WCW company.

I only gave you a taste.

Go to Slam for the whole article.

R.I.P.

Tragic news....General Rection USA has died. Yes, Hugh Morrus's website, where he posted updates without EVER unlocking the CAPS button has been laid to rest.

Damn.... WHY GOD!!! WHY!! TAKE ME DAMMIT, TAKE ME!!!! NO, NOT 411!! TAKE ME PERSONALLY! THEN TAKE 411 (what do I care? I'll be dead!)

COMING SOON, PARKING LOT WRESTLING!

This story just made me feel sad... sad and queasy.

RF Video reported that during the Raw show in Philly, representatives of CZW, MECW and GLOOW were all in the parking lot handing out fliers.

That's just.... pathetic.

THE FLAIRS SPEAK OUT!!!!

Glancing through a David Flair interview with the Ohio Valley Wrestling website (a horrible... badly produced page that should be avoided at all costs), I caught this comment David made about his father going to the WWF.

I don't have the exact quote (thought I did), but in a nutshell, David said that his father is enjoying the time off and won't be returning to wrestling for the time being.

BUT... Father Ric told a radio show that he IS anxious to hook up with the WWF and is trying to find some way to make it work without losing tons of money off his AOL contract.

Something tells me these two don't speak too often.

The cat's in the cradle with a silver spoon, man.... little boy blue and the f-ing man on the moon!

RYDER IS ONE PISSED MONKEY, TOO!!!

Like his sitemate, Dave Scherer, Bob Ryder is fuming at the low price WCW went to the WWF for. A reader sent me a pair of message board posts Bob wrote for the 1Bob message board:

There should be criminal investigation into the entire thing. Firing Siegel isn't good enough. His actions raise enough questions that the authorities should take a look at exactly how this thing went down.

Brad Siegel took steps to make sure the company was of no value to anyone except the WWF. Once the shows were cancelled, that narrowed the potential buyers to one. While Fusient was still at the negotiating table, Siegel was contacting his friend Stu Snyder at the WWF to figure out what needed to be done to make sure the WWF got the deal. Snyder has admitted that the only way the WWF could have bought the company was for the shows to be cancelled. There were at least four offers from people who were willing to pay much more than the WWF paid. The Fusient deal was for much more than $2.5 million. Jerry Jarrett and Randy Savage had also expressed interest and they were both ignored. A group headed by former WCW exec Jay Hassman had tried several times to be included in the bidding, and they were ignored repeatedly. The whole thing stinks, and it should be investigated.

Yeah!!! Hopping mad! You Go BOYEEEEEE

TAKE MY AFGHAN, PLEASE!!!

Yeah, that Iron Sheik doing a stand up act I discussed last night? It was a hoax.

I smell some SLIMEY RADIO HIJINKS here!!

Someone PRETENDING to be the Iron Sheik took the stage last night at Caroline's in New York. Two wrestling radio nitwits were there and confronted him about it afterwards.... the whole thing worked out into a BIT where the real Sheik and this imposter will "confront" each other on the radio show.

It's all a work.

I also hear that new New York radio gods Opie and Anthony discussed this hoax. They'll be a part of my big Stern AAT coming soon.

Scherer reported this.

BUT... I got a hold of a few jokes that this Sheik fraud told on stage Monday... you be the judge as to how legit this all is...

"Welcome, welcome, you filthy American dogs!!!"

"Man, look at this New York crowd! I haven't seen so many Jewish curs since they ran the comedy Schindler's List at the Tehran Cinemaplex!"

"It's great to be in New York! On my way to this club I ran into a fellow Iranian! We talked about the homeland for a bit, then I screamed, 'USA!' and hocked a giant loogie!! My countryman then threw me out of his cab!"

"Yes, yes, it's true! I was a former WWF champion! Working for the Vince McMahon is a lot like working for the Ayatolla! Both have a loyal cult following, both draw fear and respect from other leaders, and both have called for the death of Salman Rushdie!"

"I don't want to say that Bob Backlund was a sniveling American worm nerd! No, wait... I DO!"

"Whoof, it's hot in New York today, wasn't it? Not as hot as it gets in Iran! It's so hot in Iran that we have to pour ice water on our American Flags just so they won't catch fire on NON-AUTHORIZED flag burning days!!"

"I gotta be honest, this handlebar mustache I have isn't even real. I'm just trying to break the record for 'longest running Filthy Sanchez'! That Mexican monkey Salma Hayek still has the record."

"People used to ask me why I wore boots that curled up at the toes? Well, how else could I pick up those damn bowling pins I used to wave over my head?"

"The only reason why I never wrestled Barry Windham one on one is because I'm not allowed to touch 'ham'.... no matter how winded it is!"

"I just finished having sex with my Iranian wife! Afterwards, she said, 'You were wonderful!'. So I slit her throat! How DARE she talk to me without permission!"

"Thank you! Thank you! You may be Satan spawned American dogs, but you've been GREAT Satan spawned American dogs! If you happen to spot Salman Rushdie, e-mail me at KillSalman@yahoo.com!"

LAWLER & ODOR

This title was born because Jerry Lawler STINKS!!!

So, on Monday, Lawler personally told Bob Ryder that he will be addressing all rumors concerning him and his wife, The Kat. Said address will be posted on Lawler's site late Monday, Tuesday morning.

Well, obviously, everyone was drooling. Nothing is more fascinating than real life drama of sports entertainers.

Lawler posted a statement.... and it looks like he intends on telling the story of him and Stacey from the moment they met....

The problem is... he swerved us... swerved us harder than a typical ending to Nitro.

Just as Jackie Fargo was going to explain to him WHY Stacey will leave him if he involves her in the business.... he did the old "To Be Continued NEXT Update".

Rat bastard.... WE LIKE TO GET KISSED BEFORE WE GET FU**ED, LAWLER!!! REMEMBER THAT!!!

How far has a wrestler fallen when he becomes desperate for Internet Hits? That's all this is turning out to be.

I bet he teases us with the break-up, before ending the address with, "We are more in love now then ever before!!! We will NEVER break up!!"

Plus... this is the same guy who swore up and down that he had no talks with the WWF... right up until he went online and talked about how he was moments away from rejoining the WWF, before they backed out of re-hiring his Wife.

If it's ONE THING I HATE!!! It's when someone promises something, then pulls a fast one at the last minute. I HATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOOD ON THEIR WORD!!!

By the way, the new AAT I promised yesterday will be delayed until I am good and damn ready to write it.

BUT, PLUGS

If a littleCheap Heat is all you want out of life, then Tom Daniels is your man. Tom compares the NWO to the Alliance and in a RARE BIT OF INTERNET WRITING INGENUITY.... Tom actually uses BULLET POINTS!!! God Bless the bastard.

Craig Letawsky is no retardsky! He may not know much about.... about rocket science, but he knows how to bury himself into research and look within himself and answer YOUR... yeah, YOUR questions for Ask 411 column. Ironically, Letawsky has absolutely no sense of direction.

And feel free to send me more column submissions
here. Yes, it's the correct address. The ones I had seem a bit dated, so I got rid of them and am now taking new submissions.

TAKE US HOME, HONKY

Since Lawler's being a DOUCHE about coughing up the info, we turn to our old, reliable BASTION of Lawler news/bashing....

Wayne Ferris: The Honky Tonk Man

First, he primed the pump a little:

Still on the rumor mill are reports the Kat will divorce the old King Lawler as soon as September. Rumors are still flying and sources close to the situation tell me Stacy has changed the locks on the Florida condo doors. Sources also say the old man is in a very depressed state of mind at the moment. If this holds up to be true, then the old boy is a 3 time loser. Hope he has his finances in order, she going to get half of his sh*t. Wheeeeee!!! no more puppies.

Then, he broke into more detail... watch for the mini-shout out to ME in here:

As the story goes she has since left the King and moved to their condo in Sanibel Island, Florida and changed the locks. And get this ... one of the Dupp brothers that was at one time on a WWF developmental deal and was working in Memphis is reportedly shacked up with her in Florida.

NEW!!! The Kat has been taken off the Lawlers official website! Is this telling you something?